acrylic *

a change of pace

sometimes in life, you can be in the all time high and the next second, the all time low. i’ve been in that rollercoaster many times & after 19 years of living, i FINALLY am starting to know how to just deal with it. most part of me don’t give a shit about anything or anyone no longer, the rest (that’s barely there) is just gonna serve as that persona that cares about family, friends, etc i guess.

ps: i just realized i have been missing out the good things in life. karma should get back at him for not fully corrupting my mind waaaaaay back in time.

epiphany

ever had a week starting rly busy and day by the day the tension just builds up, but when the wknd comes it drops dead & you suddenly have nothing to do? that was my wknd. my friends that are out of town for college are partying but i can’t join them coz i lack balls driving 3 hrs alone in the road. as for my friends that are here, they are just workin their asses off.

i woke 4 days straight during the wkdays, but im starting to consider getting a second job for the wknd and just basically work my ass off the whole wk. it’s rly unavoidable for me to start thinking about life and such when i have nothing to do.

that pretty much lead me to depression this wknd and i had an epiphany. the emo epiphany, that is. i started questioning my point in life and how it doesn’t matter if i exist or not. i tried my best to jump back to my usual happy state, but i was borderline point of no return.

is this what i get for not chillin with the ppl that continuously ask me to chill with them? am i being too stuck up? am i being too picky who i hang with? but don’t i have the right? i keep waiting for the right ppl to roll my way. i find myself often jealous at those youtube cali people who found family in their group of friends thru their music. even if im a music genius, i would be having a hard time tryna find musical friends here.

makes me think if i should take up dancing..

STFU, mom

i’ve grown immune to your constant nagging about everything but your new hobby of continuously butchering my self-image is getting ridiculous. first of all, you don’t know shit. you have no idea how hard it is for me to gain weight. you have no idea how horrible i feel about my body. you (or anyone else for that matter) have no idea how down i feel comparing myself to those full-figured girls that looks better in clothes and can give 100000000x better hugs than me.

you have no idea how hurt i was seeing him holding hands at the mall with an average-sized girl. and his hairstyle is so much better now too, dammit.

i always wind up being with guys at their worst. don’t i deserve to be with guys at their best?